Do We Need Couple Counselling?
You keep telling your closest friends that your relationship isn’t what you imagined… or maybe your relationship challenges are your most shameful secret! Maybe you’ve decided whose ‘fault’ it is and you’re even wondering if you need to see a couple counsellor. (The answer is probably ‘yes’ if you’re already asking that question!)
Your relationship started off positive, loving and fun, with good intentions and the desire for a long, happy future together. So how did it deteriorate into a bundle of irritation, resentment, arguments, mistrust, infidelity, or even hatred?
Let’s explore a few of the challenging situations that make up relationship breakdown…
Q1 : Can our marriage be saved?
I’d love to think my choices aren’t yet that dire, but I don’t see a way forward.
If you can never seem to resolve your problems, you may be wondering if it’s too late to save your marriage. You may wonder if it’s possible to learn better communication skills for the times when difficult conversations are needed. You may think there’s too much resentment, too much damage has already been done. You may even question whether you are too different, or whether inequitable contributions are going to end your partnership!
Maybe your sexual spark is gone, you feel lonely and you’re wondering if you can continue to live in a partnership where your physical and emotional needs aren’t met. Maybe an affair has rocked your world. Maybe you are just feeling generally dissatisfied and think that leaving your marriage will solve it all.
There is always a way forward in any partnership, sometimes it’s together and sometimes it’s apart. Couple counselling helps you make honest and soul supportive decisions for all involved.
Q2 : Is it my family’s fault?
They weren’t exactly the best role models…
Even though many of us witnessed our parents struggling, not resolving arguments, or being downright disrespectful and miserable in their marriages, when we make our first commitment, we naively start off believing the romantic notion of ‘happy ever after’ – even the stuff of fairy tales.
What we don’t seem to realise is that this is by no means a given! We have not been taught that:
marriage/relationships require work
we need to take responsibility for what we do or don’t do that upsets our partner
we need to be willing to change.
Research shows that after divorce, people are more likely to blame their partners for the breakup than to blame themselves. If you are truly honest with yourself:
Do you really admit to yourself what you do or did to contribute to the failure? Are you totally honest with yourself?
Do you take responsibility for, and are you willing to change, the ways in which you are difficult to live with?
Q3 : Am I an Awful Communicator?
And what if my partner just can’t talk about things that matter?
By watching for just fifteen minutes how a couple deals with a problem or conflict, psychologists can predict with better than 90% accuracy who will be divorced in five years.
In other words, the way you deal with problems and issues in your relationship, your style of raising problems and responding when your partner raises problems, is critical to whether your relationship remains happy or, indeed, survives. You won’t turn your problems around by continuing to do what you’re doing. On the contrary, doing what you are doing is guaranteed to keep the problems going.
If you have a partner that is never satisfied, controlling or constantly critical, you aren’t alone. If you feel you can’t please your partner or that nothing you do is good enough, then it’s time for both of you to explore new ways of communicating.
Problems are resolved with clear, kind communication that allows change to emerge.
Q4 : Is There Life After an Affair?
I feel SO bad about what I’ve done ~ OR ~ I just can’t forgive them for what they did to me!
Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. Counselling after the affair helps both partners see what wasn’t working in the relationship, what may not have been acknowledged or dealt with, and how it might have contributed to making one of you go down the slippery slope of an affair.
I can even offer the possibility – it’s happened to many clients I’ve worked with after infidelity – that with good counselling, you can end up with a better marriage than you had before.
Please contact me if any of this resonates with you. I’d love to hear from you. Or if you want to book couple counselling, I look forward to meeting you.
How Does Couple Counselling Help Failing Relationships?
I’m a true believer in the potential of couple counselling. As a second time-arounder myself, I’ve walked that path of failure and pain, I’ve done the personal development, I’ve been willing to learn and change.
Couple counselling helps by:
providing psycho-education
helping you understand the Do’s and Don’ts of effective communication and argument resolution,
teaching you how to be assertive (empowered, effective) rather than passive or aggressive in the way you communicate
coaching you specifically, and in detail, how to nurture your relationship and bring out the best in yourself and your partner
helping how you set your own, and respect your partner’s, boundaries.
I can help you improve, even turn around, your relationship. This invariably leads to better understanding of yourself and your partner, and improves your relationship skills in other areas of your life too.
Warm regards,
Wendy
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